Instead of asking why she stayed, the question should be: “Why is he abusing her?”
There are many reasons why women stay with or return to abusive partners. They are as diverse as the women who are subjected to abuse and as the partners who abuse them.
Often, women stay for a combination of reasons, the exact combination changing over time, depending on their personal circumstances, the situation of the family and external factors.
Financial
Women often remain with abusive partners because they cannot afford to leave. For women who do not have paid work, there are just not enough social supports (affordable housing, child care, job retraining, job opportunities and adequate social assistance) to make leaving a viable option.
This is also true for women who are employed; research clearly establishes that women, especially if they have children, experience a significant drop in their standard of living when they leave a relationship, while men’s standard of living improves.
Love
It may be difficult to understand, but many women continue to love the abuser. Whatever the reasons—the relationship has periods of tranquility and even pleasure, during which the abuse seems far away and possibly over; the woman may have grown up in an abusive home so associates violence with love; popular culture reinforces notions of male power over women and jealousy as being romantic; and the list goes on.
The desire for most women is simply for the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end.
Fear of losing the children
One of the most powerful threats for a woman with children is when the abuser says they will take the children away from her if she leaves.
The abuser may tell her she will lose the court case because she does not have enough money or because the court will think she is “crazy.” They may threaten to keep the children and perhaps even take them out of the country. They may threaten to call child protection and tell them she is an unfit mother.
Because of the power the abuser holds in the relationship, these threats will appear very real and believable to her and may well stop her from leaving.
Fear about his parenting
Many abusers are disengaged from active parenting and don’t spend a lot of time with their children. They may be physically aggressive with their children or not know the basics of how to meet their needs. Especially for women with young children, fear about the abuser’s ability to care for the children on their own may keep her in the relationship.
Fear of increased violence
Abusive partners frequently threaten to increase their violence if the woman takes any steps to protect herself—by calling the RCMP/police, by telling a friend or family member about the abuse, or by leaving.
Research has established that violence often escalates for several months post-separation. Domestic violence death reviews confirm that many of the women killed by their partners are killed during the separation process. Staying with the violence she knows can seem like less of a risk than leaving to face new and potentially increased violence.
Denial
Both abusers and survivors often deny the seriousness of the abuse. Women who convince themselves that “it’s not that bad” or “it only happens every now and then” are not likely to leave because they really believe that “he will stop this time.”
Self-blame
Abusive partners often shift responsibility for their abuse onto their partner’s shoulders. An abuser might say: “I only hit you because you did not have dinner on the table on time” or “If you had been able to keep the kids quiet, I would not have had to hit you” or “Stop nagging me.”
When a woman hears this often enough, she can come to believe that the violence is her fault and that she should change her behaviour to end it.
Shame
It is very difficult for a woman to admit that the person she loves and with whom she has chosen to share her life is abusing her. If she cannot admit this to herself, she is not likely to tell anyone else what is going on, especially if she fears that others won’t believe her or will judge her.
Isolation
Isolating a woman from her family and friends is a common strategy of abusers. This leaves her with few supports if she is thinking about leaving, which can make that decision difficult or even impossible to make.
Isolation can play a role post-separation too, if leaving her relationship would isolate her from her family or her religious or cultural community. The woman’s family or community may pressure her to stay because they do not know about the abuse, because they do not believe her or because they believe she should stay despite it.
Legal
A woman may stay with an abusive partner because her immigration status requires it, because she is afraid her partner will be deported if they separate or because one of them has criminal issues unrelated to the abuse that she does not want to come to the surface.
Wanting to help
It is not uncommon for an abuser to threaten self-harm or to tell their partner they need her. She may think she can help them stop abusing her. She may have made a deal with them; for example, that she will stay if they stop drinking.
Status
There are still significant cultural messages that tell women they are not complete without a partner, especially a male one. Many women are afraid of being alone and would rather have an abusive partner than no partner at all.
Learned helplessness
After being told again and again by the abuser that she is “stupid” and that she “can’t do anything right,” a woman will begin to believe it and will think she is incapable of managing on own.