Abuse during the relationship
Most intimate partner abuse situations follow a familiar pattern. Usually, abusers engage in multiple kinds of behaviours, and abuse often escalates throughout the relationship in frequency and intensity. Each relationship has its pattern of abuse that develops over time based on the unique realities of the family situation.
Post-separation abuse
One of the most important things for anyone providing family court support to be aware of is how abuse almost always continues after the people have separated. For many women, it ramps up in its intensity and seriousness.
Most dangerous time
Death review committees in Canada and the United States have found that pending separation is the second-highest risk factor (website) for lethality. The rate of homicide risk for women increases sixfold when they leave an abusive partner. The first two to six months after separation are often the most dangerous in terms of both lethal and non-lethal but serious violence.
Changes in abuse tactics
Violence during the separation process often looks very different than it did during the relationship, largely because the abuser no longer has private access to their partner, but also because they are feeling increasingly desperate and less concerned about the consequences to themself of anything they might do. They may have convinced themself that anything they do is justified by the fact that their partner dared to leave.
The abuse moves outside the family home into the woman’s workplace, the children’s school or day care, the court, the supermarket.
There may be more threats than acts of physical violence because it is harder to be physically violent towards someone outside the privacy of the family home. Threats can be paralysing to a woman, especially when they follow years of threats followed by consequences.
In-person or electronic stalking – which can look like the innocent actions of a heartbroken partner – increases.
This initial period of separation, when the violence continues and possibly escalates, is also when separated couples are the most likely to be involved in difficult and contested family court proceedings, which adds to the abuser’s need for ongoing control.
Leaving is very hard
It’s also important to understand why a woman might stay with or return to an abuser, so you can offer non-judgmental support to your clients.
Women have good reasons to stay with the abuser. Some of these are internal to the woman and some are external.
For some women, staying truly is a better option as it allows them to manage the violence and protect their children in a way they could not if they left. It may keep them a part of their community, which can be more important than leaving the violence and becoming isolated.
Even for those who want to leave, the process is slow, sometimes called the evolution of separation. It can involve a number of trial departures and expeditions into the world to find out what it is like to be away from the abuser, what services and supports are available, how the children cope, and what the abuser does to try to get her to come back. Your non-judgmental support to a woman, as she makes this journey, can be of critical importance to her decision-making and her safety.
When a survivor is thinking about leaving her partner, support her to safety plan.