Every relationship in which a woman is subjected to abuse by her partner is unique. However, the cycle of violence is present in almost all of these relationships.
Tension-building phase
The cycle begins with the tension-building phase, which follows a period—short or long—of relative calm. During the tension-building phase, the abuser becomes increasingly aggressive and demanding. In response, the woman does the best she can to meet her partner’s expectations. Many women describe this as a time when they feel as though they are walking on eggshells while they do what they can to keep the peace.
Explosive incident phase
However, because the abuse is the responsibility of the abuser and not the woman, it does not matter what she does – eventually, the cycle will move to the explosive incident phase. Typically, we think of this as a physical incident, but it can be an extreme incident of any of the abuse tactics. This is the point at which the abuser “blows up.” They might hit their partner, throw something at her, scream at her and embarrass or frighten her in front of other people.
Immediately after this incident, both people pull back from what has just happened. The abuser often justifies their abusive actions by blaming the woman: “She’s at home all day. All I want is a decent meal when I get home from work.” Or they may minimize the seriousness of what they have done: “Well, at least I didn’t hit her. If my mum had behaved like that, my dad would have smacked her across the face.”
The woman may also attempt to justify or minimize her partner’s actions by taking responsibility for what the abuser has done or by convincing herself that it could have been worse.
Honeymoon phase
The final phase in the cycle of violence is what is called the honeymoon phase. This is when the abuser makes promises to their partner: promises never to hurt her again, promises to get help, promises to make it up to her. They may buy her gifts, take care of a task they have left undone for some time or suddenly be (temporarily) so kind, affectionate and devoted that she begins to question her memory and perception of reality and may feel guilty for getting upset.
Because most women want to make their relationship work, this honeymoon phase is a very effective hook to keep a woman from leaving. Every time, even though the promises are not usually kept for very long, she believes (or wants to believe) the abuser. She hopes this is the time her partner will really change—back into the person she fell in love with.